Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Second child - To have or not to have?

I've always wanted to have 2 children - one daughter and one son - and in the same order. Why the order? I don't know "why" myself but that's how I always wanted ever since I can remember. This was how I had pictured 'my complete family' which I'm sure is no different than most of us.

So when we decided to have our first child and conceived soon after, the mind was working on the same lines - its a girl. When any of the people we met would try to guess what the gender was using old wives tales as the base and if anyone would say they feel its a girl I would be ready to jump up and hug them! It seems quite silly when I think of it now but its really how my feelings were that time. Anyhow, we had our little baby boy on March 29, 2004 and half of my wish was done with! Now all was left was a little girl to complete the picture of 'my complete family'.

With the arrival of the new baby, all our time was spent taking care of him, playing with him and just doing everything for him. It was like he was the earth and we were the moon - with our lives revolving around him entirely. During those times the thought of having a second child took a backseat. Not intentionally but I guess with hands being full with the first one, there was no time for thinking about the second one. The time went by and our little son was not little anymore - he had turned 3 years of age. The age when I had thought of having the second one when I had pictured my complete family - much before we had our first one.

But now when I look at us, myself, DH and our little badmash (brat), I wonder "Where's the time for the second one?". With me working full time and Betu spending whole day in a playschool and a daycare till 6 PM, with us spending just about an hour with him in the morning which includes cuddling and getting him ready too and then about 3 hours in the evening. Ideally I should just count 3 hours in the evening that are truly spent with him. Coz its the evening when I play with him, cuddle with him, we sing together, we read books together and even watch cartoons together. And this is when I feel I would be doing injustice to my Lil' boy if even this time is divided with another baby - with him getting a lower portion of this time in the beginning till the baby grows up a bit.

There are days when he responds to our affection so much that I feel all my love is just for him. And I also wonder "Can I love my second child the same way as I did my first? Will I be able to do all those things that I did with my first one with the second child too?".

But there also are days when I see 2 kids in a family and I always yearn for a second one - my little girl. But then who knows if it will be a girl or a boy. Whenever I see two children in a family I start imagining my own 2 kids playing, fighting and doing things together. One complaining about the other, one smothering the other with kisses and hugs, one running after the another - just the picture of 'my complete family'.

My biological clock is ticking away too. I will turn 33 by the end of this year which doesn't leave me much time to decide on for the second one. I also so dread the times managing house, work and Betu with me preggo. I had quite a tough first pregnancy with all the general pregnancy symptoms/conditons working over time. But then lot of people say its much easier the second time since you know what to expect and manage accordingly. Some also say thats its easier the second time healthwise too. But we also know its not the same for everyone.

Sometimes I feel so content with just having Betu and feel "thats it!". However, my idea of having the second child was not for us but for Betu. I always thought that first child is for parents and second child is for the first child. We all know we will go away some day and then the first child should have someone to relate to, to talk to and do things together and feel all alone in the world. But then we can and will only wish that they will have good relations when they grow up too. Looking at the world now, it would not be practical to not fathom a situation otherwise. With the concept of nucler families so prevalent and everyone living so far away to follow their career paths even now, I cannot think how the future will be when our kids are in the age of 20s and 30s.

The relations such as "Mausi", "Taiji", "Chachi", "Bua" etc will all disappear if everyone decides to just have one kid each.

And its not just that, its the expenses of raising a child that come into the picture too. With us spending around 60K+ annually on Betu's play school and daycare, we only can wonder what the expenses will be when he starts going to formal school and then to college.

Even after thinking so much about the second child, I still yearn for one and think "Sab ho jayega" (we will manage just fine). But when will I have my second one, I don't know yet! That time will tell or maybe the prgnancy test? :D


  1. I could've written this post. I so want a companion for Sonny boy, but have the same worries...

  2. Hmm..Well , You are not alone.Each of us have the same worries.Sometimes even I wonder if we will be able to manage.But then I never thought I can manage one ..:P
    How confident were you when you were getting married and when you were having Betu ?

  3. hmmm.....and I thought you'll turn 32 by the year end!!

    btw, I'm just distracting myself by writing above comment, here we're tooo confused/undecided about starting our family!!

  4. JLT & Swati : I know my story may not be very different from quite a few of us but I even after seeing so many examples around me I get cold feet thinking about the second one. And Swati, when I got married, I was actually wanting to get married and so was with the kid. We had betu after 4 years of our marriage and a very much planned pregnancy it was. But with second child, I'm so confused which was never teh case with the first one.

    Stone : I know I must be sounding like all the elders in your famiky but I also think its high time you stop thinking about having a child but actually go ahead and start doing something about it! :D *Wink* *wink*

  5. Holy cow!

    I think about this everyday. But just can't do it!!


  6. How come I missed this post? You wrote down my thoughts. This, wanting girl first and then a boy and all. Even I am not sure about having a second child due to the same reasons and many more!

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  8. So I am not the only one.I am now few weeks pregnant with my second child and there is going to seven year difference between my two kids. I am so nervous considering the fact that I had serious complication during first pregnancy. I am having a cold feet. I feel I have no energy to raise another kid. I don't want to take away what I have now for my first kid. Btw, I am 36 and I have a six year old boy, who is a sweet heart..

  9. I wonder if you have a choice now that you are pregnant!

    I would only say all the best and happy times to you and your family! And I will also hope that you don't face any health issues during the pregnancy or during the delivery or post the delivery either :)

  10. Such an incredible posting...you literally have taken my thoughts and typed them for me to read! The only difference my first was an accident...however a blessing.

    I too have a son and hear the "tick tick tick" for the second child..mostly because he really thinks that "Woody" (the Toy Story doll) is alive!..he talks to, plays with and even disciplines!

    Time for another companion for us both!

    I think however my confirmation from your posting is that when my husband and I are gone, I can't imagine my son being all alone. I have siblings and can't imagine how I would have been able to cope in the past without them. They are my back bone!


  11. that was the brillaint post nm.... u echoed all the thoughts so well... the reasons u have mentioned are the exact same reasons that we have decided to have only one child...

    i am so glad u get to spend 3 hrs with him in the evening, sometimes i feel thats i get to spend only the weekends with Ojas... the weekdays I reach home and then have to do all the cooking etc so the time is not really his 100% and the financials play a huge role... sometime back when we were looking for daycare's for him there was none in blore which was charging less than 85K/annum and then transport etc so it abt 1lac for that and dont even talk abt schools nop good school takes less than 1.5K or so in tution fees here, everything extra... seeing this there is no way that one can think of single earning parent too

    Ps; sorry to do a mini post here but ur post touch a chord as because of all this i still yearn for a daughter deep inside, infact as i knew we want only one child i was secretly praying for a girl...