Saturday, July 14, 2007

Am I expecting too much?

Today when me and DH had a bit of a fight, he said a statement which has been bothering me since then. He said "I don't know what level of my helping in house chores will satisfy you! Nothing seems to be good enough to you." And I've been wondering if I've been unreasonable in my expectations from him. How much is enough?

During these pondering I also realised that I've become kind of irritated towards him. So to understand myself I thought let me just write it out and then maybe during this course I will realise where am I going wrong and maybe even what can I do to make things better. Some of the things that really irritate me are:
  1. He asks me if I'm giving betu his medicines regularly or not. It really irritates me. I feel he should know about it as such and instead of taking a status call from me he should probably say that "I'm going to give Betu his medicine and just to make sure you haven't given it already".
  2. He asks me "Laundry ka batch lagana hai?" And I get irritated and feel like telling him "Can't you see the huge pile of clothes? Don't you think it is required?"
  3. I don't like it when he points it out and says "Sab samaan faila hua hai. In sabko theek kar do." (Everything is scattered here and there. Just put them properly.) I usually ignore such statement but I'm fuming inside and thinking "If its bothering you so much why don't you do it yourself. Why is it that only I'm supposed to do it?"
  4. When I ask him to do something, he will always (mark that - 'ALWAYS' ) say "Thodi der mein karta hoon". The moment I hear those words I see red everywhere. Because his 'thodi der' is indefinite. You don't know when his 'thodi der' is gonna be over.
  5. I feed betu his dinner and DH eats his at the same time. Even when DH is done with his dinner he will never offer that I can have mine now and he will take over feeding betu. I never say anything to him but just fume inside.
  6. He never offered to bathe betu earlier. Its because I forcefully got him into the habit that he now bathes betu 99% of the times. I used to be angry about it that he never initiates taking over any responsibility. Why do I have to get him into doing it?
  7. He just refuses to brush Betu's teeth. He simply says "Main yeh nahi kar sakta! Mujhe nahi aata!" We have had fights over this so many times. I tell him that I was also not born with a child in my lap and know everything about how to make him do things. I've also learned it over the time. And if you don't get into it how will you learn. To which he simply says "Nahi, mujhe nahi seekhna! There are certain things which I do not want to do and you should just understand that." But sorry, I just fail to understand any logic behind it.
  8. When I changed my job, my office timings also changed and now I had to leave home by 8:15 AM. So this leaves me one hour lesser in the mornings. So when I would tell him that why can't you feed Betu his breakfast, he would get angry and say you make the dish and I will feed. And I was like what dish? He usually eats bread toast with butter in the mornings and he eats proper breakfast ast school with his friends. Do I need to even make the simple butter toast and give in your hands and then you will feed him? Sorry, but Betu can eat it on his own. He just needs someone to make it for him. Anyhow, after many rounds of discussions on this issue, he gives Betu his breakfast on the days when I don't but I can see he's not happy about it.
  9. He will never put the ironed clothes that Dhobi gives back properly. Either he will stuff them in his shelves and never hang them or they will keep lying around for days. The ones he stuffs them his clothes shelves will obviously get crumpled and then he won't wear them and put it in the stack of clothes that need to go to dhobi for ironing.
  10. I hate it when he leaves around his tea mug or food utensils here and there. I hate it when he leaves around his footwear all over the house. I hate it when he leaves his slippers in front of the bathroom as invariably I almost topple over them.

I can go on and on about what irritates me about him but its not going to make any difference to the current situation. Am I expecting too much? Is it wrong on my part to expect him to self initiate what he does in the house? Is it wrong on my part that I feel angry that he doesn't do anything until I tell him do to so explicitly? Why doesn't he feel from inside himself that something needs to be done and get at it?

I also work full time as he does. Then why is it that its just my responsibility to look after the house and the kid. If not totally, its majorly my responsibility. He just 'helps' me in them. Aren't these his responsibilities too? I've tried many a times just to ignore lot of things and live without any expectations from him. It works good till it lasts. And it doesn't last more than a few days end of which I'm back to square one.

I need to know if you feel I'm unjustified in getting irritated towards DH for any of the 10 points I've listed above. Is it too much I'm asking for? I thought this would be the best way to get unbiased views and opinions on me and my behaviour so that's why I'm here, talking about it openly and publicly.


  1. for a moment i thot i hav stumbled upon something i hav listed!! on the ironed clothes- when i complain, u can guess who says that why dont u do it for him, he is yiur husband. i sweetly reply why doesnt he do the same for me ever? i am his wife??

  2. I guess, the problem lies with the chromosome! I too get irritated at times, mostly due to the same reasons. But I don't see any chance of improvement. Men will always be men. Women too! ;)

  3. As Asha said ..nothing is going to change in life..neither we nor they. . :)

  4. I hear you. I hear you so well!

    Husbands seem to think any little thing they do is a BIG concession for them.

    I think it is a problem with the way they have been raised. I know my MIL will run and give him a glass of water, dropping all her work, if he so much as mumbles that he is thirsty. Whereas I will not even notice that he has said something like that- after all, the water is there, the glass is there, just take it and drink- like I would do!

    You won't belive the no of arguments we have had on this score.

    OOOOh I CERTAINLY do hear you...

    But have asked myself the same question- whether I am too uncaring a wife... dunno, will wait for some more responses to your post.

  5. ITW, Asha, Swati & JLT : Do I feel a bit relieved to see "I hear ya!" comments form you all? Coz when I wrote that I felt there's something seriously wrong with me and my attitude :P

  6. hmmm, that makes me the only one to defend the gender?..hehe... as far as justifications go, its easy to find them if one isnt objective enough... saw a lot of 'feel like telling him' and 'cant he see'... while i am definitely not defending him, it helps if you communicate, because all of us have evolved our current set of beliefs, thoughts, way of life etc over several years, and most of those years were before marriage... and its not necessary that something thats obvious to the wife/husband is obvious to the other... hence communication is a must until you instinctively know what the other person wants.. so talk.. and all the best :)

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  8. hahahaha....just loved the rant :-)
    And its needless to say that I'm totally with Anuragji!

    On serious side, almost daily I too face same issues but trust me whatever the issues are, nothing irritates a man more than a 'nagging-wife'.

    And more importantly in fact there no issues at all, but that way an issue is created out of nothing irritates a lot; it’s all about how one works about solving the issue rather fuming over it or creating a ruckus.

    IMHO, patience is the key, and as Manu said ‘communication’ is most important, however old a relationship is, never ‘assume’ things, and importantly how one presents the issues matter a lot.

  9. not at all...I think you're being perfectly reasonable. my first comment was getting too long so I erased it. do you have an anon email? or you can write to my gmail id: kodimeow.

  10. Well, its good to see two men posting their views on the topic in hand - the husbands!!

    Manyscrypts : As I said these lines 'feel like telling him' and 'cant he see' would have never come into my post if this "Thodi der mein karta hoon" and forgetting about the task althogether wouldn't be happening 99% of the times.

    Stone : Do you think its possible to talk to all the time in an officious calm tone? Well, I guess the kind of a person I know you as, probably for you it might be quite possible but for a gerneric person don't think it would be possible be it a husband or a wife or a father or a mother or a child. or for that matter any relation.

  11. I think it depends on the way we have grown up. Unfortunately, in our country guys have always been pampered and thus they don't imbibe an attitude of responsibility (more importantly initiative in the house). This directly comes from the way we see our parents, relatives, their friends etc.

    I am not sure if there is a ready solution for this issue, but it is important that these things be pointed out to the menfolk. It would result in a retort, but in due course things would sink in.

    regarding a nagging wife: if husbands are ready to take their share of responsibilities then there will be no nagging. The nagging is becoz husbands just wanna sit on the couch and take it easy.

    and ya, I am a guy, married.

  12. Commenting late, but I love this list. Can I copy-paste and send it to the hubby? LOL

  13. Like Kodi's mom, my comment was getting too long. Email id please, if you don't mind? Mine is

  14. Poppins : You are very funny! :D

    Sm : I hope you got my email!

  15. I agree with "manuscrypts" . That is the key to it. Communication. Although I also sometimes end up saying, men will be men, but it is our upbringing, men or women.

    And I am waiting to see how many of our children (sons) are going to do better ;-)
    So, we better be aware of how we are bringing up our children.