Tuesday, May 29, 2007
But there are times when I feel I'm giving their names for not being able to do anything just as excuses. And that if I really want to do it I should not be bound by anything. But then I need to be a rebel to fight away from the strings of these relations. Which from practical point of view is just impossible. For me. Probably not for others.
Adjusting with everything and everyone around me is what I learnt after marriage...in a big big way. I had been such a carefree, tomboy before marriage and for me it was such a drastic change to behave coyly and so very feminine. I remember my eldest Jijaji teasing me long before I got married when I had worn a saree for a cousin's wedding. He came to me and told me you are not wearing your jeans but a saree! :P
Anyways, not to drift away from the topic in hand, I always think if I had time I would do this, I would do that. I always wanted to pursue my course in German further. I would love to go trekking..on my own..or with few of my friends! Be part of the evening schools where working children of the poor come to study. These are not even 10% of the things I would want to do. And I always get stuck on the question "How?" So many times I've read that the answer lies within oneself. I've tried but I haven't been able to. So either I'm too blind or too dumb to see the answers. "God, Can you tell me on which organ inside me have you inscribed all the answers?" Ok.. Sorry to be sarcastic. But that’s how I feel when I don't get answers to my questions...when I feel so stuck!
But such an optimist that I am, I know one day for sure I will have a chance to do all..ok not being too boastful....most of the things that I want to do.
Friday, May 18, 2007
I changed jobs recently. Joined a new company about 4 weeks ago. This company is much larger in size than my previous company. Lot more process driven and everything is kind of organised here.
Today I was pondering, its been 4 weeks and I'm still struggling to adjust here. Somehow it still doesn't feel like "my office". I wonder if any of you felt like that in any of your jobs ever even after being there for this long. And the worst part is that I don't know what should I do and what should I not do to make it more of "my office".
I've already been working on a project. On Monday i.e. May 21 have one of the delivery as well. So I've a project that's going full time, I've been interacting with all the people here, tech, creative, PM level, accounts ,admin, IT... you name it but still I don't feel part of it. Why? Why? Why? This question has been bothering me for sooooo long.
The funny thing is that I don't feel well settled here and I have already started to dislike someone. Ironical..ehh? Well this person (TP from now on) took the initial brief from the client and then passed it on to me soon after I joined here. TP is at the same level as I'm. Post wise. TP has been in the company since past 4-5 years. TP helped me a lot in handing over the project and telling me the workings of the company and what all I'm supposed to do in a project and how. That really was very nice of TP. But somehow I feel TP is not ready to let go.
Since this was my first project in this company, it was decided mutually that I would keep TP also in the loop in all project communications for a fortnight or so. This was fine with me since TP was interacting with the client so far and some transition period is required.
But today is the day when I started getting this "I don't like TP". Today morning TP comes to my room and tells me "I don't know whats the status of the project. I don't know anything that's going on." I got irritated by it since TP has been in loop in all the mails whether internal or external and I had met TP in person yesterday late evening giving all the details. At that time I said writing a mail to the client in which TP was CCed too, so I told TP that you will know soon since I'm composing a mail to the client. So TP goes away.
Later out of courtesy, I went to TP's workstation to give a detailed status. TP starts saying the mail doesn't give a clear status to which I said yes that's why I've come here personally to update you. Then TP starts asking tons of questions as to which resource is working on what task, what is left, when will each task be over, why is this not on the VSS etc. etc. I answered very politely despite getting irritated inside giving the resource and task details and when told that its not on the VSS since the network problem our company is facing. TP is well aware of the problem that the company network is having for the past 3 days now. Still TP says no, it still should be there. I got angry at this and flatly said that things would have been more organised had the network problem not been there. And don't worry I will have them added in the VSS myself by 4 PM.
I don't know if I should not get too irritated by such interventions of TP or not. Is TP actually trying to help me or is TP in a phase of not letting go and just trying to keep holding the reins in its own hands?
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Listed below are some of the things that I would like to do in my life are:
- Ride a bike
- Own a SUV
- Bungee jumping
- Rock climbing and rappelling
- Ride a hot air balloon
- Travel in a ship for 2-3 days to anyplace!
- Scuba diving
- Visit Leh-Laddakh
- A trip around the world (almost every person's fantasy! :D ..right?? ).
The sequence in which I've written them is purely random. I would love to do them in any order.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Earlier when I was lean and thin, I never bothered about how much I'm eating. And somehow I never gained too much weight despite eating a lot. I remember when I was working in CP with a designing firm, there was a Nirulas bang opposite our office. For months (5-6 months) I used to have an ice cream after lunch! Every single day! Except for Sundays when we would have our offs. I was very sad when our office moved to a different location just because of my ice cream. Yes I was sad despite the fact that office was now just 15 Min's away from home! Some people used to tell me what a moron I'm for not feeling happy that my office is so close to home! Well..who would tell them ice cream was more dear to me! Sigh!
Now I fall in the 30+ category, and have gained a lot of weight with big tyres forming at the waist and with a tummy which looks nothing less than a belly of a 4 month preggo lady. No kidding..DH keeps teasing me about it since everyone is after us to have a baby, he says it will come good to fool others saying yeah, we are having a baby! Meanie! He doesn't look at his growing tummy!
Gone are those leaner-thinner days and I have to try not to eat stuff that will make me gain weight. Although there are days, too many to be truthful, when I ignore my growing weight and just eat whatever I want to eat. Like they say "Old habits die hard!!"
Had it been those earlier days I would have gone and bought a packet of chips or biscuits but now..*sob* *sob* I'm just sitting and writing this article and trying to ignore the feeling of hunger. Sigh! Those were the days! Sigh! Sigh!
I remember how my office colleagues would tease me saying if you can't find her, find food, she will be right there! My desktops always had wallpapers of something yummy! I know some people who eat just to live. I wonder how can anyone be like that! I'm a person who lives to EAT!
Food, Food, Food..Wonderful food!
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
I hate most of my dreams. And they come too often an too many in one go. So which basically means I don't have nice n tight sleep most of the times. Which further means that I am not fresh and happy when I wake up I'm all goofy, tired and ready to go back to bed for another round of sleep. You may interpret that as simple as "Lazy bum!" My family had actually named me "Kumbhkaran!" Since all I wanted to do was sleep, sleep and sleep some more! :D
Do you have a dream which comes again and again. Not with the same people or same situation..but on the whole same. I've such kind of dreams way too often. I wonder if they mean anything. I have read and heard a lot that dreams always mean something but I really wonder if they do.
One of my most common dreams is that I can fly. Fly as in soar up in the air, flip up and down, and just do about anything. And I see myself flying in so many dreams that you will be amazed. I would really want someone who knows how to interpret dreams to tell me what does it mean.
One day out of the blue when I was looking at my younger sister's kid's pictures, suddenly I felt so overwhelmed and somehow got a feeling that we, her four daughters, have vindicated our Ma! Vindicated? Ma? "How" and "what for" must be the words resonating in your minds.
I don't even know if vindicating is the right word to use for my feeling. We were four daughters to our parents. For the society we live in, it wasn't a great situation for them. "Four daughters?? OMG!! No son!! How sad...", "Ek ladka hota to achha hota!" etc..etc. That's the kind of remarks that we used to hear. We had been hearing them all the time but started to comprehend them quite later as we grew up. Before that it just meant having a brother to tie rakhi's to. When I started understanding those comments I wanted to get back to those people then and there. But Ma wouldnt let me saying they are our elders and we shouldn't talk back to them. But hearing such comments for Ma used to make me soooooooo very angry and how I wished then that I could have been a grown up person then to defend her..stand by her...comfort her..be a wall between her and the people who said these things...and tell those stupid people to go mind their own business.
I guess I can go on and on about the girl child issue and rather would write about it some day but currently it will deviate me from the thought behind this post. Now so many years later, her four daughters have a son each! Not one, not two, but all of her four daughters are mothers to a male child! If she had been here, I'm sure she must have swelled with pride. On second thoughts..would she? No. I don't think so. yes I'm sure about it. It never bothered her then that we were girls so why would she have been any different now. For her our children would be just her adorable, lovable grandchildren.
I don't know why I feel so but the fact of the matter is I do! Probably because the thinking of our previous generation and even today's generation is still the same. No change despite better education, better living styles. Nopes. Zilch. I still remember the comments I heard from people after I had my son. "Good that the first child is a boy! Now you don't have to worry whatever your 2nd child is whether a girl or a boy!" When we, me and DH, used to talk to the baby as a girl (when I was still pregnant) and would tell people that how we have thought of a name for the baby for a girl, we would hear statements like "Yeah, whatever the child is its good as long as they are healthy but if its a boy it would be better!" DH used to just ignore such statements. They never bothered him. But I would get so very angry listening to them.
I don't have seperate set of emotions whether the child I'm looking at is a girl or a boy. Do you? For us i.e. me and my sisters, they are just our adorable kids..whom we started loving even before they were born. For us the factor of a boy or girl comes into the picture only probably when we go buying for clothes and toys for them :D
Probably I'm getting influenced by the people around me..the comments they make. I have lost count of how many times I've heard this statement from so many people "She didn't have a son herself but all her daughter's have sons!" or "How happy she would have been to see her four boy grandchildren!"
I don't know if my feeling of being victorious for Ma is right or wrong. I don't even know if I should feel this way at all. What I surely know is even though Ma is not with us now, she would be so happy and contented to see her lovely grandchildren from up there. Probably she even comes down when we are unaware to caress and kiss her grandchildren!
Friday, May 4, 2007
You may think, what a stupid question!! But for me its really important to know the reason or the logic behind. Without logic I just can't go any further. Whether its a decision that I need to take or some article that I'm reading..it could be just about anything. And my dear husband, who I'll from now on refer to as DH, sometimes gets so irritated with this habit of mine. He will say, there need not be any logic or reason behind everything. But I never get convinced that easy and that kind of blows the fuse off so many times! But I guess he's learning to live with me like that! :D
Coming back to the subject of "Why should I write?". I started thinking why did I start writing my diary when I first started it. I had to think for a long time..very very long time! I thought of tons of reason but then I realised they were all sham. The real truth was that it was my secret friend who would keep all the secrets I shared with it by itself. It was also my venting ground. But primarily it was the diary of my secrets..things I did without telling anyone, things that I did when I was specifically told not to do so ( OK..I confess I was quite a brat), the guys I secretly admired during my college days, the family members I didn't like despite them being very close part of the family and I was or rather pretended to be all happy and smiley when in their company, etc..etc..etc..
But now, when I've decided to start writing again, what should be the reason behind all these writings? Do I still need a secret friend? Rather DO I NEED a secret friend? At one point my thoughts were "No! You are grown up enough, old enough to not need a secret friend!" Then my other voice told me "Whats that got to do with age?? You always need a secret friend..someone who will listen to you without being judgemental! Who will do nothing but LISTEN! You don't get those kind of people easy so this is the best pal you can ever have!". I kept toying with the idea all morning, all the time I was driving down to work, at work before I got called for a meeting and until now.
Finally I decided, "GO FOR IT!" You've nothing to lose. You can always stop if you feel it's not worth it! So which means you will hear more from me in the future..the future that I can foresee as of now.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Coming back to "Do I write?". Besides writing my diary I also used to write poems. Short ones. I never shared them with anybody. As I was never confident that they were good enough to be shared or read by someone else. When I chanced upon those poems about 3 years or so after I had written them, I found them quite kiddish and that's when I felt I was sane enough not to share them with anyone..hehehehe!
Anyhow, I guess I stopped writing when I started working. There were no fixed hours and I would be quite tired by end of the day. Well OK..being tired was just a bahana..actually we had got Internet connectivity those days so after office hours were spent on that! :D!
So yesterday night the "Do I write?" question made me think why did I stop writing my diary? Shall I start again? Will I be able to write regularly and not stop after 2 or 3 entries? Didn't get a chance to ponder much over it as the house duties were calling me. But today morning when I was feeling bored as my assigned tasks were over and after reading blog after blog it just struck me that why don't I start my own blog too!
So here I'm, created an account and writing this! And I'm starting this with the hope that I will keep updating it regularly! About what I dunno as yet! Only time will tell! So all the best to myself!